Anxiety, tonight I’m overcome by it. My stomach is in knots. I’m restless. My mind cannot stay focused. I feel as though I may just jump out of my skin. I hate this feeling. What I hate even more is not knowing where it came from. Sometimes I think I may be channeling someone close to me, my daughter or my sister. Sometimes I think it’s something I subconsciously did during the day, and it’s come back to haunt me during the night. I cannot exorcise “it” if I don’t know what “it” is.
I try to calm myself down, maybe I’ll pray or read, this might help to distract me long enough for my heart to stop palpitating and my palms to stop sweating. If only I could concentrate on either of these things. My mind won’t shut off and the harder I try, the worse it becomes.
I try to talk myself off the ledge, if only I can convince myself how ridiculous this behavior is, how totally unsubstantiated it is. I reach out to my husband, which I know will be futile, but I try anyway. If only I could quiet my mind.
My family has always had anxiety issues along with other forms of mental illness such as depression. Why do the physical illnesses we deal with seem so much easier to tackle then the ones of the mind? Maybe if I try to close my eyes for a few minutes….I am exhausted. Nothing seems to help. I can only hope the passage of time will ease this horrible distress. It’s impossible to explain these feelings, especially to someone who has never experienced them. If I can manage to let exhaustion overtake me, and fall asleep, I will often wake in complete terror, my legs tingling and my bladder ready to let go. Whatever has consumed me in wakefulness has followed me into the world of dreams.
Hopefully by morning this will all be a distant memory, until then, this monster eats at my insides, poisons my mind, and smothers any hope I have of finding peace tonight.