I’m not quite sure when this starts to happen. Is it when we reach a certain age? Is it after the loss of a loved one? Is it watching coworkers prepare for retirement? Is it after a health scare? The “this” I’m referring to is looking into the face of our own mortality.
This has become quite common for me lately and to be honest it’s a very uncomfortable feeling.
There have been days I’ve wished I wouldn’t wake up to see the next morning. There are times I’ve welcomed death, believing it would erase suffering. I believe my struggle with depression has been a contributing factor. Depression is like a cruel friend, always appearing to be there for you, luring you into what it thinks is best for you, yet destroying any hope and dragging you into a blanket of darkness that it masks as comfort.
As I face mortality, I’ve come to regret feelings I’ve had about welcoming death. I find myself questioning why I would believe death better then life. Was it the depression? Was it youth? Was it because subconsciously I believed it couldn’t happen?
I am a catholic. I believe with every fiber of my being that there is a heaven and my God, being the forgiving God that he is, will one day welcome me into His eternal kingdom, whether I feel I might deserve it or not. Why would I want to, or think I have the right to, make the decision of when that will be. That is His alone to make.
This morning as I watched the sun rise on what promises to be a beautiful weekend, I realize I love life! I want to relish in today’s bright sun and warm breeze. I want to laugh with friends and family. I want appreciate this gift of life; I want to see the sunset, and I want to wake up and fall asleep to thousands and thousands of sunrises and sunsets that are yet to come.
I do not want to take one thing for granted of this beautiful gift called life.
So as I examine my mortality, I will not let it consume me. I will practice gratitude each day. I will fight those sometime overwhelming thoughts of despair and realize that they are temporary and will pass. I will find beauty in all things. I will wish and pray for a long wonderful, beautiful, amazing life!